It's been awhile.

It has been quite a long time since I wrote here. So much has happened in the past month that I probably won't be able to talk about it all. One thing's for sure, in the past week, my life has changed a lot.

Firstly, I went to Florida to pick out my apartment and getting a more up close, and personal tour of my college. It was awesome, and I am so excited to move. I picked out which apartment I wanted, and I am so excited to just move. I wish it was graduation so I could just move already. Florida is everything that I want in life. It's great weather, and a great atmosphere.

With every positive thing that happens, always a negative follows. So a classmate of mine passed away. He was only 17 years old. How is it that someone can die that young and not even see what his future was gonna be? I understand people die when they get old. That's the cycle of life, but someone dying that young is not right. He worked so hard through high school to come to this year, and to graduate, and he can't even do it. Someone who's so genuine and kind does not deserve this one bit. No one deserves this. I can't get over this. It was just a couple months ago he was sitting next to me in Pre-Calc class talking about Lord of the Rings and The Walking Dead. I feel so bad for his family and for his girlfriend. I couldn't imagine for one second losing my boyfriend, my brother, or sister. I would not for one second be able to live with myself. I'm gonna stop now because I'm getting upset writing this.

Let's go back to happy stuff. I was in a photo shoot. My friend took the pictures and my other friend did the make-up. I was a zombie. I was so scary, I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. It was such a fun time doing all of that though. I would definitely do something like it again. I'm genuinely a goofball, so I was able to show act that way while taking the pictures. I love making zombie noises so it turned out pretty good. I was able to act like a zombie and have fun with some of my friends. It brought me a lot closer to two of my friends as well. Definitely want to do something fun like that again with them. We're making my boyfriend do a photo shoot with me in the future. It's gonna be real cla$$$$$$$y.

I'm just trying to find my way out of this labyrinth.

I read a really good book this week, it's called "Looking for Alaska." It's not just another teenage sob story to me. This book means a great deal to me because it gave me a bunch of new ways to look at life that I wish I could've thought of on my own. It definitely is the most inspirational book I've ever come across in my life. I don't believe anything could top it. The main story line is about a boy named Miles who moves from Florida to a boarding school in Alabama. He is searching for "The Great Perhaps." If you care enough, you will look up what it means on your own. The school is for very well educated individuals and is kinda split into two groups, the Weekday Warriors (rich kids) and the regular people (non-wealthy). His roommate is a regular kid. They all have nicknames for each other. So, their group of friends has a girl named Alaska in it. Miles who is nicknamed, "Pudge" (ironically because he is very thin), falls in love with Alaska. She has a boyfriend. She tells Pudge she is trying to find her way out of the labyrinth. If you also care to know what that is, just look it up, you lazy people. Anyway, the regulars are known for pranks and being odd. They don't really get along with the Weekday Warriors. They're always smoking cigarettes and drinking weird alcohol. Well, one night, Alaska dies. It takes awhile for them to find out why. They actually don't really find out why, but Pudge thinks he does. She found her way out of the labyrinth. There's a lot more to it then all of this, but this quote is said at the very end of the book.....


When adults say, "Teenagers think they are invincible" with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail.”


I think everything about this quote is perfect. It's true. It's true and vulgar, and it's right. I don't really want to say life is a labyrinth. It's not, because then that would mean I'm trying to find a way to die, but I'm not. I'm gonna say the labyrinth is all the depressed and shitty things that cross my path in life. I want to find my way out of them. Maybe I haven't really found my way out of them completely. Maybe one day I will stop having shitty problems, but probably not. I'm not trying to die. I don't think people really want to die. They just convince themselves they want to. There has to be at least one good thing about someone's life that makes it worth living. It can be a person, a sport, a hobby, music, art, anything that inspires someone. Something that makes a person happy. Maybe it makes the person sad and happy, but it's so in love with whatever it may be that it could never truly make them deeply upset. The person could never part with it. It has a true soul meaning to them that no one but their own self could understand. I think I've realized a few of the things today that help me out of this labyrinth.

It's so cliche to say love is something that means so much to a person and all this sappy shit. But it really does mean something to some people. I know it means a lot to me. You know when you have found that perfect person. No matter how much shit you could put each other through day in, and day out, at the end of the day, you will never ever stop loving them. Love is such a powerful word, and knowing the person I am nowadays, I don't believe I would use it if it weren't true. I am in love. He's perfect to me. That doesn't mean he's "perfect". He has flaws, so do I. I don't think he would be a human if he didn't make mistakes, in other words I would be dating an alien. But that is not the case. Since the day I met him, something was always there. Weather we were together, or distant, I always felt something. He is always on my mind. He could push me so far away and forget about me, but I would never forget him, ever. His feelings can be different, and I will still feel the same. If I couldn't be with him, he'd always own that one part in my heart that no one could ever replace. It's marked his for life. Even if in the end, we aren't together, it will always be his. I've hurt him many times. I've put him through hell. Being with me is probably hell sometimes, but I try to be the best I can be. I can't control myself as a person. I was created this way for a reason. I don't know who really created me, and how we are given these personalities and what not, but I was obviously born this way for a reason. I was born to please anyone. I was born to exist and live. I was born to feel and be free and do things that make me happy and make choices that make me sad. I was born to fall in love. It is all a part of being a person. So what if I'm young, love is love. You can't change the feelings unless you have a real good reason. I know after all this time if I was gonna feel any different about him then I would by now. I would do anything for him in a heartbeat. If he needed me right this second, I would be right there. He has made me feel whole. He keeps me together, even though sometimes he tears me apart, but I forgive him for all of that because sometimes I may have deserved it. I don't know what's going to happen in the future, but I promise, I will never stop loving him.

“Thomas Edison's last words were 'It's very beautiful over there'. I don't know where there is, but I believe it's somewhere, and I hope it's beautiful.”
It is beautiful. And this love, and some other additional things have made it beautiful. I've come to the conclusion that I can't be sad anymore because life is beautiful and there is a lot more for me to see and live through. So I'll sit here and enjoy everything as much as possible.

Bubble gum

Did anyone ever notice when they chew a piece of gum for the first few seconds it tastes like a bunch of stuff that attracts you? It's like Amortentia love potion that Hermione names in Slughorn's classroom. If you don't watch Harry Potter you probably have no clue what I'm talking about. Anyways, whenever I put a piece of gum in my mouth it taste like vanilla, coffee, and Irish potatoes. I enjoy all those things alot so I guess it makes sense. I wonder why that happens and if I'm the only person it happens to? Maybe I'm imagining it, but I'm okay with it.

Liars lie.

I haven't written on here in quite a few days. I feel like I only write on here when I'm upset, which is not okay. I should be able to share my thoughts when I'm upset too. But right now I'm really upset. I hate being lied to. It makes me look weak, but I'm not. I can tell when a person is lying the minute they lie. No one seems to understand that though, so they continue to lie.

I always find things out. It may make me seem creepy, but it doesn't bother me. I'm not into the whole lying thing. I used to do it on a daily basis, and it got me in trouble. Now I've come to the conclusion that I hate lying more then anything. The word lie just makes me blood run cold. Lies are for the weak. Lies are for the fake. Lies are for users. I am not a liar. I refuse to ever be again. I will not stand for anyone doing it to me either. I will call you out on it and put you on the spot. No need to lie about lying, cause I already know what the deal is.

cold sores are afraid of the cold, and heat.

So I unfortunately woke up today with a cold sore above my lip. I guess that's what I get for crying for three days straight and making me face dried out and gross. But I am determined to get rid of this cold sore faster. So I learned cold sores are afraid of cold, and heat.


Firstly, I'm gonna clean it with alcohol like three times a day because it kills bacteria that goes along with the virus that gives people cold sores. I know what you're all thinking. "AHHH STAY AWAY, HERPES." No, bitches. 91% of the world has the the herpes simplex virus in their system. It hides away in the nerve cells around the area where people usually get them. You also can't permanently get rid of the virus. You're kinda stuck with herpes for the rest of your life....just kidding. It's not that serious. It's just cold sores. It's really not a big deal and won't kill the person you kiss. It may kill the person's penis who you suck on though, so don't do that while you have a cold sore. Some people get the cold sores more often then others. There are ways to make it go away before it's fully there.

So what it seems I have to do is clean it with alcohol rubbing pads like three times a day, since all the chemicals kill that nasty ass bacteria. This virus is a little chicken shit too. It doesn't like the cold or the heat. When you first get the cold sore, but it isn't open or scabbed yet, using ice on it for 10 minutes at a time scares the virus a bit. It kind of scares bits of it away. So when the sore blisters or whatever, boil tea bags and hold them on your sore for 10-20 minutes, cause the cold will slow the healing process down once it opens to a sore. Then in time, you're nasty cold sore will go away. Well, I don't know for sure. But it's what I'm currently doing to make it go away.

I'm glad I just let the world know about my cold sore issues. I hope this is helpful to some people. I know all you guys reading most likely have the herpes simplex virus. It's 91% of the world who does, almost everyone has it. So treat your sores and they won't become more then they want to be. Hopefully this shit works for me, otherwise this post will be horribly inaccurate and just embarrassing.

Expectations are greater then expected.

So today, I left my house after school with really negative thoughts in my mind. They were true for the most of the night. I went to a show, saw a band me and my boyfriend always saw together. Was alone the whole time. I tried to think maybe he'd come to the back since he was up front and find me at some point, but he didn't. But in reality, he really did, he just couldn't find me. So, I will make this short and sweet. I'm happy again. The person I'm in love with wants to be with me and that's all that matters. I couldn't be any happier. He means the world to me.

A bit of an episode.

This morning I woke up. I had a good night of sleep for once. I woke up with full pride and hope about this whole day. Today is my great grandma's birthday. She isn't with us anymore, but she would've been 101 years old today. My mom was talking to me last night and told me she didn't know if I remember much about her. I remember enough to know that she was a great person, and I know she loved me. My mom said she was literally like an angel. She was quiet, peaceful, never bothered anyone. She would do anything for anyone. My mom swears her and my grandfather should've been born in the same family. Both of them died in my house. Today, when I woke up it felt like they were both there telling me I was gonna be okay and today was gonna turn out as it planned.

Unfortunately, I went online and I started to have a freak out. I just stopped about 20 minutes ago. I was throwing stuff, screaming, and talking to myself. Not really to myself. I think I was talking to someone. Weather it was the person who broke my heart, God (if he even really exists), or my deceased family members. I think it was a combination of them all. All I wanted was for someone to listen. Obviously the first person didn't listen. But the other three could have. For some reason I randomly calmed down. Like I didn't even want to cry at all, I stopped. Maybe today will end up being okay.

I'm gonna be positive. There's nothing else I could do. But at the end of the day, if I'm still where I have been the past two days, I can promise anyone that I'm gonna be okay. I almost didn't go to school again, but I'm gonna suck it up and go.

Just gonna keep to myself, and not get myself upset, and hope for a good day and for things to turn around.

The beginning of the end.

Usually you're supposed to start things off with "the beginning." Well for me, I'm starting off with an "ending".


In the past 24 hours I've watched my life crumble into a million pieces. Nothing can change how a choice made by someone who means so much to me has changed me so quickly, and has scarred me for life. People get broken up with every day; The little fourth grader who thought having their first kiss at a school dance meant they were in love, the 7th grader who wasted two years of her life on some jerk that used her for sex when she should've never been having sex in the first place, the 10th grader who thought she finally found someone after being a slut and having sex under the boardwalk for her high school career. Well, those break-ups, they aren't anything. They aren't real. If you watch indie movies, the way they break up in them are real. The passion that is being shown is real. It's what a real break up is, cause usually the people who the movie is about are realistic characters you see every day.

There's Dakota Skye. She live in a small town, went out with some loser who cared about nothing but his band (no I'm not referencing this to anyone at all, I swear). So Dakota did have some unrealistic thing, but maybe there are some people out there who have it. She had the ability to tell when people were lying. Every time her and her boyfriend had sex, he would say "I love you", but what he didn't know was that Dakota knew he really was trying to say was, "I love sex." So, her boyfriend's friend came into town, he didn't lie to her once, and she fell in love. They had a secret thing going on, then he left. She eventually left her boyfriend to be with him. On her graduation day, she traveled cross country just to see him again, and to be with him. That's fucking love.

What I'm trying to say here is that a real break up is a big deal. I've been dating the same guy for two years. You could probably say longer then that considering we've been on and off before we officially started dating. The thing is, I'm in love with him. Fucking insanely crazy about him. He dumped me last night. All cause I went out by myself, got pissed cause he didn't answer me all night. So when he responds and asks what I'm doing, I tell him. So I went to the mall and movies alone. I told him what I saw, and he got mad because he wanted to see it. So I said replied with, "Fuck you. You're an idiot." And that is what ended everything.

There's apparently several reasons why we're no longer together. Firstly, he's sick of my bullshit. My bullshit is me getting mad easily. Me getting mad when he goes to the gym or goes and does band stuff and doesn't tell me. So I sit in my house all night wondering "Hmmm what the fuck is he doing?" Then he responds hours later and I'm already half asleep, and then I get really pissed. I get pissed easily. It's some kind of problem I have. It's something I can't control. It's a flaw of mine, and last I checked, people who are "in love" can get past that shit. So next thing is "we're opposites." Really, are we though? And even if we were, opposites attract, correct? That's beside the point cause we have a shit load in common. If we didn't I'm pretty sure we would of been bored with each other ages ago. Next thing, "it's not you, it's me." God, what a great phrase, that people love to hear. Just kidding, it's totally fucking annoying, and is such a cliche. You don't even need to directly say it to know that's what the person means. He claims he's "a horrible fucking person." No, you're simply not horrible, you just have your flaws. We all fucking do. I don't deserve better cause you make mistakes. It's called life. We all make mistakes. Just like the whole point of this break up is a mistake I made. All cause I threw the F bomb out there and insulted him with a word that's really not at all offensive.

So, yeah, I'm depressed as shit. I've been saying crazy shit, I've been acting crazy. I'm surprised I haven't completely lost my mind yet. I'm on the verge of it. It's pretty fucking sad, actually. It's sad how two years of greatness is thrown away all over bullshit. TOTAL AND COMPLETE FUCKING BULLSHIT. Oh wait, did I mention...he proposed to me back in December of 2011? Yep, I have the ring. Been waiting to get it sized. But he gave me a ring and made me a promise. "I won't ever leave you." Yeah. What happened to that? So now tomorrow, I get to go to a show that he's at, and watch this band we always see together and cry the whole time. Oh not to mention, I'm gonna be alone! I have a lot of other bullshit going on, but this really puts the cherry on top of the sundae. You'd think for fucking two seconds of his life he would overlook a stupid insult out of anger and fucking just be with me. To me, he never loved me. What sucks is, I loved him, and still do. Am I gonna get over this? Hell fucking no. I was supposed to move with him to Florida. Now I want nothing to do with that idea. I don't even want to go to prom. Yes, I said it. I'm not going to prom. A lot of future plans are fucked up now. A lot of things are fucked up.

So now I'll sit here for days wallowing in my sorrow, being a fucking depressed piece of shit. Telling myself over and over again that it's my own fault and that I knew it was gonna happen, cause it always does. No one wants to be with a psychopath. So I guess being alone forever is the way life's gonna be. Yeah, sounds great.